Harry Potter and the Time Traveling Cliché
by Lilyflower1987
Summary: You know the drill. The newly victorious defeater of Moldy Voldie is sent back in time to 1977 to teach his parents DADA. full of clichey goodness and some new stuff to. Does not follow HBP or DH. ON HIATUS, POSSIBLY WILL BE RE-WRITTEN.
1. Chapter 1 Say What Now?

I couldn't help it I had to write a time travel fic. It's my all time favorite cliché. And this one will hopefully be full of cliché-y goodness with some new stuff.

I own nothing.

00000000000000

**Harry Potter and the Time Traveling Cliché **

**Chapter 1: Say What Now?**

There was a knock on the door of Dumbledore's office

"Enter" Dumbledore said and a twenty year old Harry stepped in. wearing his black and silver lined Auror robes.

"Hello Albus. You wanted to see me?"

"Why yes Harry. You see I was wondering since you have captured the last of the death eaters you had been hunting since you defeated Voldemort if you would like to take up teaching career…astheDADAteacherin1977." He mumbled the last part quickly.

"I'm sorry what?"

"I wanted to know if you would like to take the DADA teaching position in 1977"

Harry looked at his former headmaster like he was insane but then again this was Dumbledore so the answer was yes he was insane. Then he looked thoughtful for a moment "is that even possible?"

"Yes with this advanced time turner that I have you can go back decades."

"I'd have to take his up with Ginny of course"

Dumbledore nodded and smiled "And how is the Mrs.?"

"Irritable, I don't think being pregnant agrees with her. Now she's complaining she looks fat because she's starting to get a bump and of course it's all my fault." Harry said rolling his eyes. He wouldn't admit it but he was scared shitless of the verbal abuse he would have to endure when she would go into labor.

Ever since Voldemort was defeated there had been a huge marriage boom and than an even bigger baby boom. Harry was no exception he and Ginny were contributing to both. The engaged couple Ron and Hermione thought they were crazy for getting marred right out of school like that. When Harry and Ginny announced to everyone that they were having a baby all of her brothers glared at him like they wanted to kill him for getting their baby sister pregnant. Molly had to remind them that he was their sisters husband and was free to do his husbandly duty and have a family with her if he pleased. And that they should be happy that they were gong to be uncles soon. Then she scolded the already married ones about not having any of their own yet and making her a grandmother any sooner.

"Well from what I hear the first child is always the most difficult on both parents during the pregnancy. And congratulations once again on that by the way."

"Well thank you but I believe you've congratulated me on it every other day for the past three months now."

"Yes well I'm just happy to see you with a family now is all. Take it from a doddering old man Harry children are a great blessing. Hopefully this little one will be the first of many. Have you decided on any names yet?"

"Oh, yes actually Daniel if it's a boy and Violet if it's a girl."

"Ah, both wonderful choices Harry. Send my regards to Ginny for me"

"I will Sir" Harry exited the office and headed home to the cute little brick hose that he and Ginny shared in Hogsmeade. He found her in the kitchen (once again) eating a whole gallon of ice-cream with a rather large jar open of pickles on the table.

"So what did Dumbledore want?" She asked nearly swallowing a pickle whole.

"He wonted to know if I would take the DADA teaching position in 1977"

"Say what now?"

"Yeah I know the guy is completely off his rocker but he says he has an advance time turner or something that can take you back decades."

"And what did you say to his offer?" she asked looking like she was gong to throw a hormonal fit that would ultimately end in them having sex on the kitchen table after she through some plates at his head if he sad the wrong thing"

"I told him that I would need your opinion first before I decided on anything my love" she glared at him for a moment and he started to get ready to have some china thrown at him. But then she smiled and said

"Oh, well I think you should go for it. I mean it's been so dull around here now that all the bad guys are gone. And it would give you a chance to get to know your parents. They graduated that year didn't they?"

"Yes they did. I never thought of that. Do you think that's why he's offering this to me?"

"Maybe. Any way your gong to do t and your taking me with you. Do you understand me mister? I'm not letting you mss this opportunity to meet your parents and I certainly am not gong to be stuck here with out you are not missing a moment on the development of our child and you better be there when its born."

"You see darling this is exactly why I'm asking you opinion first."

"Right well…drop your pants I want to do it." He hesitated. "NOW!" she screamed.


	2. Chapter 2 All Right Fine I’ll do it

**Chapter 2: All Right Fine I'll do it. **

They had told Dumbledore that they would do it but only if Ginny could go with him they could bring and live in their house the Weasleys the Longbottums (Neville/Luna) and the Lupins (Remus/Tonks) could visit them while the were at home. They also had the problem of when Ginny would have the baby it was due in January and it would mess up the time line for their baby to be born before they were even born so Dumbledore said to take the last couple weeks of the pregnancy off from work so he could bring them both back to this time to have the baby.

So with their house shrunken down they said good bye to every one and gave them instructions on how to reach them for visits. And put the chain of the time turner over them selves and spun it the appropriate amount of times to take them back to the summer of 1976.

They arrived in Hogsmeade no body seemed to notice for they had _notice me not_ charms on them at the moment and enlarged their home and settled they found the empty lot that they had built their home on in their time and enlarged their house exactly how it was or um will be. Harry got Ginny settled back in to the master bed room she deiced to take a nap because her feet stared to swell.

He headed off to the three broom sticks for a butterbeer. When he walked in to the inn/pub he saw some one he thought was dead and it wasn't their past self either. "Sirius!?"

Sirius turned around wide eyed "HARRY!" he yelped happily and clinged to him in a hug that would put even his mother in law to shame.

"What are you dong here? Your supposed to be…well…dead!"

"Well that ruddy veil doesn't kill you apparently it seems you back to when you were the happiest"

"And that was your days as a Hogwarts student."

"More precisely the summer before my third year when I ran away from home and stayed with your father and grandparents. That was."

"Five years ago" Harry finished.

"Yeah how did you…" That's when Sirius noticed "Harry your all grown up."

"That's what happens to teenagers they grow up. Let me guess they haven't invented the advanced time turner yet so you were stuck here?" Sirius nodded dumbly taking the adult version of Harry.

"So what's happened since my _death" _

"Well we finally captured Wormtail and got your name cleared. They gave him the kiss you know. And we defeated Voldemort once and for all turns out the snake faced bustard was able to come back because he had Horcruxes. Then I graduated with honors and became one of the ministries top Aurors and once Ginny graduated we got married."

"You're married now?" Sirius asked genuinely happy for his Godson.

"Yeah. Ron was my best man and Hermione was the maid of honor. Their engaged to be married next summer actually. I can give you a pensive memory of my graduation and wedding if you wanna see that."

"Wow well congratulations. And yes I would like to see both those memories very much."

"Thank you but if you liked that your gong to really love this next bit so try not to pass out from happiness."

"So what is it?" Sirius asked nearly bouncing in his chair

"Well three months ago I sort of found out that I'm gong to be a dad soon."

Sirius crushed him in a hug that would have blown Molly Weasley out of the water. "Oh my god I'm gong to be a god-grandfather." Then he looked up "hear that Pongsie your gong to be a grandpa! Oh Harry I need to buy you a drink I have to it's like a law or something."

"Alright, alright I'll let you buy me a bloody drink. But I don't think Dad can hear you though seeing as though he's not dead yet."

"Yeah I know weird right? I watched one of the games at Hogwarts seeing him and my counter part playing. And us Lily and Moony so care free it's haunting really. Wait why are you here?"

"Oh well I'm the new DADA teacher" Sirius eyes widened.

"I don't remember you. Dumbledore sent you back here right?" Harry nodded "maybe he's trying to change some thing maybe prevent the whole second war."

Harry looked thoughtful "I never thought of that. I could get my parents back. And never go through any of the horrible crap that I did." Then he shook himself out of the thought "where have you been staying?"

"Here at the three broomsticks" Sirius answered. And Harry made a face.

"Tell you what I got an extra bed room at home you can stay with us and I'm not taking no for an answer. Ginny will probably need your help around the hose when she starts to get big during the day what with me working and all."


	3. Chapter 3Time to Get a Jobby Siri, I Got

**Ch. 3 Time to Get a Jobby Siri, I Got my Fingers Crossed. **

Harry led his Godfather to the modest two story house he and Ginny shared. The ivy curling around the rails of the balcony was one of the reasons he fell in love with it when they first got married it was so laid back lived in and homely looking a good place to relax which after all he had been through he needed.

"Nice place" Sirius commented as they made their way through the front door.

"Wait here" Harry said "I have to tell Ginny you're here. She won't take the shock to well if she finds out a different way."

Harry weaved himself in and out of the rooms of the house looking for his wife. He found her still snoozing n their bedroom. He gently shook her. "Ginny love wake up I've got something increasable to tell you" he whispered when she started to stir.

"Harry, what is it?" she asked groggily.

"You won't believe it but Sirius is alive"

She gave him a look like she thought she marred the dumbest guy n the world. "Of course he is he never died we're in the past he's still a student."

"No that's not what I meant. I meant our Sirius the one that fell behind the veil the one that died when I was fifteen."

She got up from the bed. "You're shitting me" she said in a deadly tone.

"I shit you not my dear" he replied nervously the last thing he needed was a hormonal bitch fit.

"Then why didn't you bring him up here? Seeing is believing." She was starting to get moody Harry had to think fast.

"Um…I didn't want you to get shocked my darling."

"What just because I'm pregnant I can't handle a shock"

"No, no not at all I knew you cloud handle a shock, but I didn't know if the baby could. You're barley three months along. You still have to take it easy so many things could still go wrong at this point that's all" she visibly clamed down.

"You're right. It would have been a nasty shock to wake up and see your dead godfather looking down at me."

"You should come down and see him. He wants to see you real bad. He was happy enough when I told him we got married but when I told him we were having a baby he was absolutely ecstatic."

Ginny got up and headed down stairs with her husband once they got down there Sirius gave Ginny a big hug.

"I always knew you two would end up together. Ever since I first saw you at Grimmauld Place. Moony owes me two gallons."

"You knew we'd get married?" Harry asked with a raised eyebrow.

"It's always red heads for Potter men. No one ever told you that?"

"No, no one told me that."

"Wait a minuet" Ginny chimed in "how are you alive and here?"

"That stupid veil doesn't kill you it just sends you to when and where you the hippest and for me that was the summer I ran away from home and stayed with James and Harry's grandparents. I've been stuck here for the past five years because they haven't invented what ever brought you guys here."

"Advanced time turner" Harry corrected.

"Yeah what ever. That thing. So where am I staying?"

Harry rolled his eyes "Fallow me Paddy" Harry trekked back up the stairs Godfather in tow to the bedroom they hadn't converted in to a nursery. "Here we are. The bath room is right next to you. And you can change the color scheme of the room if you like."

Sirius looked over his surroundings the room was panted a light blue color and the furniture was all white. Double glass doors served as the side entrance to the balcony over looking the front garden the main entrance being in the master bedroom. There was even a broom rack on the wall over the dresser. "No, I kinda like the light blue it's calming." Sirius replied.

The next morning Harry woke up to the sounds of Ginny retching and sobbing in the master bathroom after consoling her and getting her back into bed for some more rest he headed to the kitchen for breakfast "What's the plan for to day Harry?" Sirius asked with his mouth full.

"Well first I have that job interview with Dumbledore after that I got nothing. Probably end up waiting on Ginny hand and foot she got morning sickness again."

"Sounds fun good luck with that." Sirius said sarcastically and sniggered at his godson

"Yeah laugh all you want you're the one who's gong to be alone with her most of the time when I start work in September." Sirius paled with the memories of when Lily was pregnant with Harry. She had threatened to castrate him, James, even poor well meaning Remus who she often got along with more then once. 'That shut him up' Harry thought while grinning and fixing himself some eggs.

Two hours later Harry finally made it out of the house and walked up the short path to Hogwarts when he made it to the front entrance some one recognized him or tallest thought they did.

"Potter what are you doing here?" Harry froze was there some one else here from his time?

"James Potter it is the middle of the summer what are you dong at school?" Harry breathed out in relief it was simply a case of mistaken identity. He turned around to see the ever stern looking Minerva McGonagall looking back at him he decided it was best to play dumb no one else could know how he really was after all.

"I'm sorry m'am I believe you have me mistaken for some one else. I'm Harry Patterson. I'm here for the DADA position."

"Oh, my apologies Mr. Patterson you look an awful lot like one of our students Mr. Potter he'll be starting his seventh year come September if you're planning on teaching this year I feel I should worn you him Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin and Mr. Pettigrew are quite the trouble makers they seem to find it entertaining to prank other students and some of the newer teachers."

Harry chuckled "well if I am lucky enough to get the job I'll make sure to stay out of their way when it is not necessary of course. Professor McGonagall would you mind pointing me in the direction of the head master office please."

"I will take you to him my self and please if we are to be working together do call me Minerva"

"Only if you call me Harry"


	4. Chapter 4 You want the Job? You Got

**Ch.4 You want the Job? You Got the Job Buddy!**

Professor McGonagall led Harry to the infamous gargoyle that lead to the Headmasters office "pumpkin pops" McGonagall said and the gargoyle jumped to the side. She led him up the stars and knocked on the door to the office.

"Come in" they heard Dumbledore say from the other side. And the doors opened reveling that all too familiar office.

"Albus this is Harry Patterson he's here for the defense position"

"Ah, wonderful. I was afraid that we might not have a someone to teach the subject this year. Now to see if you're qualified I will need you the take this test to see how knowledgeable you are about the subject. You understand." He handed Harry a long parchment and quill.

"Certainly, I wasn't expecting to get the job on my dashing good looks alone. Don't get me wrong though, they have gotten me far in life" Harry joked and Dumbledore and Minerva laughed along with him and he started the test.

_5 minuets later_

"All done"

"Well that was certainly fast Mr. Patterson"

"Well it was my best subject in school. Although transfiguration was a close second" Both Dumbledore and McGonagall beamed at this.

Dumbledore was looking over the test looking for any mistakes Harry might have made. He couldn't find any. "Well Mr. Patterson you seem to be qualified you've managed to get a perfect score on this test. Shall I show you the class room you'll be occupying?"

"Yes that would be lovely"

"Fallow me Mr. Patterson"

"Please call me Harry"

Dumbledore gave Harry a quick tour of the Castle showed him the great Hall were some of the bathrooms where pointed out Hagrid's hut and the Quidditch pitch from a window and they finally made t to the DADA class room.

"And this will be your class room for the year Harry. Is it to your liking?"

"Oh yes its lovely I might have to decorate a little though."

"Now f you don't mind I'll be showing you your living quarters"

"Oh that won't be necessary. My wife and I have a home in Hogsmeade I'll simply go home every night and come back in the morning"

"Well if that is what is most convenient for you then by all means don't let me stop you"

"That reminds me. I'll have to take a leave of absence for the month of January. Might as well let you know in advance so you can arrange a substitute."

"Certainly but may I ask what ever for?"

"Paternity leave. My wife and I are expecting our first child and the little tyke due in January. I'd like to be there for my wife during the last couple weeks of the pregnancy and spend some additional time with my family once the baby is born. I will how ever be back at the begging of February"

"Ah I see. Well congratulations on fatherhood Mr. Patterson I wish you and your family well. It is so nice to see happy occasions as such spring up in these dark times"

Harry smiled "well I'm not about to give Voldemort, that snake loving bastard the satisfaction of living my life in fear. I refuse to delay my plans of having a family just because snake breath doesn't like it.

"You say his name. Most people are too afraid to do so."

"Headmaster it is just a name and he is just a man as evil as he is and as invincible as he thinks he is he does have his weaknesses just like you and I do. And one day he will be gone from this world."

"My, you are a brave one."

"I like to think so, but I am no braver then the next man."


	5. Chapter 5 I wrote this ch in the nude

Sorry about not up dating in a while but the internet went down state wide for a few days that really sucked. Stupid buckeye cable system

**Ch.5 I wrote this chapter in the nude…hehe Naked**

Harry bid Dumbledore fare well and headed back home. By the time he got there Ginny was throwing pots and pans at Sirius for one reason or another. Harry snuck in to the kitchen under his invisibly cloak and got him out of there. Fortunately Ginny was to busy yelling and throwing things to notice Sirius' sudden absence from her line of fire.

They apparaited to the Hogshead. "What happened?" Harry asked his godfather.

"Well she asked me if she looked fat. So I said well you're starting to show and some people might interpret that as fat and not a baby bump but since I knew better I didn't think she was fat."

Harry rolled up a discarded copy of _The Daily Prophet_ he found on a near by table and hit Sirius on the nose with it "No...No…bad dog" he said in-between the hits.

"Oy Harry! I think I learned my lesson. I'm sorry you can stop hitting me now!"

"You realize I'll have to have sex with that once we get back."

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?"

Harry sat down at a table "Might as well settle in for a couple hours she'll be at it for a while" they had a couple rounds of butter beer before Harry got up "Come on Paddy better hit the jewelry store and get her something shiny to distract her and might as well pick up some more ice-cream while we're at it"

Harry got her a set of one karat diamond earrings. Being as wealthy as Harry was meant that random gifts of fine jewelry was a normal thing especially if his wife was upset. Her the summer before her sixth year after Bill and Fleur's wedding Harry was gong to go look the next day for the Horcruxes he snuck a pearl necklace with a love letter promising to come back to her into her jewelry box in her room she found it the next morning and wore it every day since. (Awwww)

Ginny was still fuming when they got back but then Harry wiped out the earrings and she calmed down. Then she dragged him off to the bedroom lots of moaning ensued after that.

The next day they all took a trip to Diagon Ally to get school supplies for Harry's class and some more maternity clothes for Ginny and stopped off at the ice-cream shop for sundaes. Harry when to the book store while Sirius kept Ginny company as she chowed down on her third banana spilt

Harry walked into the book store and headed to the defense section to decide which book was best for what year level. Then a sandy haired teenager bumped into him.

"Oh, sorry I wasn't looking where I was going" he apologized

"It's quite alight Mr.…"

"Lupin, Remus Lupin."

Harry was surprised to say the lest was Remus ever this young? Luckily he managed to keep a straight face masking his shock "Ah, so you're Mr. Lupin I've heard about you"

Remus looked skeptical for a moment "You have?"

"Yes, you and your friends seemed to have made an impression on your head of house over the years. You'll be a seventh year correct?" Remus nodded "She said you were quite the trouble makers. I hope you live up to your reputation other wise I fear it might be a boring year."

"Oh, are you new or something?"

Harry smiled "You can say that."

"Well I hope you have a good start of term"

"Back at 'cha"

"Well I'm meeting some of my friend at Quality Quidditch Supply Store nice meting you" Remus turned around and started to walk way but then turned back around "Hay I never got your name."

"It's Paterson, Harry Patterson"

Satisfied he nodded and left.

Remus left the book store and met back up with James and Sirius who were just making an exit out of the Quidditch shop .

"Hay Moony, find anything interesting at the book store?" James asked

"No but I did meet this one guy I think he's new this year. His name was Harry Patterson."

"That's cool. Lets get some ice-cream I'm starving" Sirius whined

"You're always starving. You're going to end up being a great fat ass twenty years from now I just know it."

"Pongsie how could you say that I would be anything but dashingly hansom?! You wound me!" Sirius pretended to burst in to tears.

"Quiet you. Come on lets go."


	6. Chapter 6 Holy Sh t it's Me

**Ch.6 Holy Shit it's Me! **

The marauders (minus Peter because he's a rat bastard and I hate him) headed to the Ice-cream parlor. Once they got there they ordered their ice-cream and sat down at a table. The noticed a young woman going to town on a banana split and older man around his late thirties sitting with her he looked like he was just staring at her in awe as she wolfed it all down. He shook his head to snap him self out of it and caught their eye the he looked surprised and covered his face with his hand from the side some they couldn't see it.

"What's up with that guy?"

"I donno maybe he's just a weirdo" they all shrugged the weird guy off and ate their ice-cream

"Snuffles what are you doing?" Ginny asked once she noticed Sirius was acting like he was trying to turn invisible.

"I'm sitting over there with Remus and your father-in-law" she started to look over "don't look. They already saw me if they see you looking to they'll know something is up" she rolled her eyes and looked any way

"Wow you guys are young, Harry really does a lot his dad."

"Stop looking" Sirius whined

"Oh stop it they have their backs to us"

"grrrrr"

"Don't you growl at me mister. Or do I have to start chucking pots and pans again"

Sirius looked alarmed "no ma'am" he choked out genuinely afraid. Ginny was scary, but Pregnant Ginny was down right terrifying.

She finished her fourth banana split and got up "come on Snuffles. I'm tired of waiting for Harry"

They walked over to the book store found Harry comparing a pile of different books for fourth year students in an armchair on the second level of the building. Ginny plopped right down on to his lap "Still busy I see"

He grimaced for a spilt second from the weight of Ginny (plus one) suddenly plopping down on his junk but she didn't catch it "Well I got the text books for years one through three figured out. It's the upper levels that are proving tricky."

"Well you'll figure it out you're a smart man Harry"

"Why thank you Ginny" he was a little taken aback at her complementing him for the past few weeks it had been nothing but hormonal fits.

Harry finished up deciding which books to get for the year and they left the store to go back to Hogsmeade.

"Hay Harry" Sirius piped up as they were leaving

"Yeah"

"I just remembered you still need to show me those pensive memories when we get back"

"You're right I do"

"What pensive memories?" Ginny asked.

"Graduation and our wedding darling"

"Ah" she sighed with a smile on her face "Our wedding. It's every girls dream to have one like the one we had. It was utterly perfect. Just as I had imagined it when I was a little girl even the man was the same as the one in my dreams." She teared up; unfortunately hormones were a double edged sward. Tears were now running down her face "It was the happiest day of my life!"

Harry decided to try and score some brownie points with his hysterical wife. "It was the happiest day of my life to sweat heart." Then she gave him tear filled goo goo eyes.

**Some time later**

"…_And do you Ginerva Molly Weasley take Harry James Potter to be your lawfully wedded husband to have and to hold in sickness and in health…"_

Harry, Ginny and Sirius stood in behind all the other wedding guests as they watched the memory replay its self. Ginny cuddled up to Harry and smiled as they watched them selves get married all over again. Harry looked over to Sirius and saw something he didn't even think Padfoot was even capable of.

"Padfoot, are you crying?"

"Sh…shut up" he sniffled lamely.

"…_I now pronounce you husband and wife you may kiss the bride" everyone clapped except for Hagrid and Mrs. Weasley who were sobbing messes by the end of the ceremony._


	7. Chapter 7 I'm Back Baby

**Ch.7 Haha I'm Back Baby!**

Remus sighed in frustration as he opened the door to the last compartment on the train and found James and Sirius behind it.

"What? You couldn't wait for me on the platform? It took me forever to find you guys."

"Um…sorry?" James and Sirius said in unison not sounding sorry at all. Remus just rolled his eyes

"Whatever"

"Have you seen Peter any where?" James asked

"No, I haven't seen him all summer actually. He didn't right or anything. Have you two here from him?"

"No we haven't" Sirius piped up "What about that new kid? Larry…no Harry was it? Have you seen him I wanted to meet him because you seemed so excited about it when we went to Diagon ally together but I haven't seen any one new except for first years"

"Come to think of it I haven't seen him either, just so you know he looks a lot like you, James so he shouldn't be that hard to spot"

Just then the door slid open again and there stood Peter (cough rat bastard cough, cough) looking just as nervous as ever. "Hey…hey g…guys" he stuttered.

"Hey Peter where have you been have herd from you all summer." Peter looked like a deer in headlights.

"A…a…a…these…these are not the answers you're looking for…" he waved his hand slowly as he said it and then turned and bolted down the hallway of the train as fast as his fat little legs would carry him. (A/N: incase you're too stupid to get the joke he's trying to do the Jedi mind trick) the rest of the Marauders looked on in confusion.

"Wait I'm confused. What just happened?" Sirius asked

"Fuck if I know" James shrugged.

**Else Where**

Harry was setting up his office at the last moment being the procrastinator that he was there was only an hour left till the sorting and opening feast and Sirius wasn't exactly helping…more like angering Ginny every chance he got weather it was purposeful or not. So it was only moments ago before he finally got them to settle in to their respective rooms and not bother each other so he could get out of the house and get to work. He had just gotten all his books away in the shelves when a very young Madam Hooch popped her head in the door way.

"Hey newbie, the students are about to arrive better get to the great hall"

"Oh, thanks for the warring, Professor…" He pretended to draw a blank if only for the sake of appearances.

"Oh, Hooch. It's actually madam hooch not professor. I teach the first years flying lessons and I'm also the Quidditch director for the school."

"I'm Harry Patterson. I'm the new DADA teacher but you probably already knew that last bit though." Then they herd the train whistle from the Hogwarts express from the station in Hogsmeade.

"We better get to the great hall the students will be here any minute"

**Moments Later in The Great Hall**

The Marauders found their way to the Gryffindor table and Peter was still no ware to be found. Right before McGonagall entered the hall with the terrified first years Remus noticed something at the staff table.

"Hey that's the guy I met at Diagon Ally, I thought he was another student not a teacher"

"That's the guy? He does look a lot like me."

"Seems a bit young doesn't he? To be teaching that is. I mean the guy can't be more then a few years older then us can he? Hell Moony thought he was another student when he first saw him."

At the end of the sorting Dumbledore got up to make his start of term speech letting the first years know that the forbidden forest is just that and not to do magic in the hall ways and that curfew was at eleven. then he got around to introducing the new member of the staff namely Harry.

"I'd like to introduce our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Professor Harry Patterson" the student body clapped politely and Harry waved. "Would you like to say a few words Professor?" Dumbledore asked.

Harry nodded vigorously and stood up to address the crowd of students "Twaddle, Mukluk, Poodle, Didgeridoo, and Poppycock." He said and then sat back down. Then some of the older students seemed to realized why Dumbledore would hire such a young guy to be their teacher, they where both out of each others mind. Surprisingly the rest of the feast ended with out incident.

The next morning the marauders plus Lily headed down to breakfast and noticed that professor Patterson wasn't there.

"Wander where he could be?" Lily said.

"Well, sometimes teachers take their meals in their rooms. Besides we have his class first thing so we can ask him then if you really want to know." Remus said and that seemed to be a pretty good explanation so they just let the subject of Professor Patterson's absence from breakfast drop.

After they finished eating the headed off to the DADA class room Professor Patterson wasn't there yet but they were a few minutes early so they sat down in their usual sets and talked until the rest of the class started fill in. The last person to enter the room was Professor Patterson.

"Hello every one, welcome to seventh year defense, I'm Professor Harry Patterson, but you can call me Harry. In fact if you call me Professor Patterson I'll take off house points." He laughed but the students just stared at him "but seriously I will take off points if you call me that it makes me feel old"

"And just how old are you?" a snotty self-important Slytherin asked from the back of the room.

"I am twenty, why?"

"You're only a few years older then us what can you possibly teach us?" an even less pleasant looking Slytherin asked.

"Well I can teach you to shut the fuck up. How about that smarty pants?" the class gasped at the swearing. And the marauders sniggered.

"You can't talk to me like that! Do you know who my father is?!"

"I just did talk to you like that thus proving I can. And no I don't know who your father is nor do I care."

"Wait till my father hears about this!" the outraged Slytherin continued Harry yawned but it went unnoticed. "You'll regret ever setting foot in the classro…"

"Yawn" Harry said interrupting the little jerks rant "you see I say yawn because when I actually do yawn you don't get it. By the way you have detention with who ever is the most horrible to have them with. Anyway are there any more questions for me?" One of the Gryffindor girls raised her hand "yes miss?"

"Dalton, Charlotte Dolton. I was wondering if you had a girlfriend." She asked giving him the goo-goo eyes

"No I don't have a girlfriend" her eyes lit up "My wife won't let me have one" then she slouched and groaned in frustration.


	8. Chapter 8 maybe something will happen

**Ch.8 Maybe something might happen in this Ch. (No Promises)**

After the very interesting DADA class the Marauders plus Lily congregated in the hall some girls had walked by in distress over how _"all the good ones were taken"_ and _"Why a guy who could so obviously have any woman he wanted would want to be married at his age." _James, mean while seemed to be more interested in what looked like to be trying to eat Lily's face.

Sirius looked on in amusement and elbowed Remus to get his attention "Is he snogging her or is he just hungry?" they both sniggered at the comment. None of them had noticed that Peter had snuck off to some unknown location.

OoooOoooO

Harry exhaled a relaxing breath once the student had been excused from class. For his first class it really wasn't so bad. He got up and exited the room only to be met with the horrifying sight of what looked like his father trying to suck his mother's face right off of her head. He gagged and let out an "EEW!" before he could stop him self.

Every one swiveled around to stare at him, his out burst even caught James and Lily's' attention.

"Go…go do that some where that's not in front of me!"

Every one was quiet for a slit second but then Sirius let out a bark of laughter at his friend mortified expression which altimetry lead to him rolling on the floor and laughing even more.

OoooOoooO

A few class periods (that where just as disastrous as the first one) later Harry (deciding to take the quick route) flooed home for lunch. Once he got there he found Ginny in the kitchen over a pot of soup that didn't actually look half bad he walked up from behind her and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Hello darling. Sandwiches are on the table, I'm just about done with the soup. Give your godfather a call for me while I get this on the table. Last I checked he was in his room entertaining him self with an issue of Play Witch magazine."

Not wanting to witness what ever Sirius might be doing with a dirty magazine he opted to call his Godfather to the table from the bottom of the stairs. He was then startled so badly from Sirius excitedly jumping from the top of the stairs and landing on his feet right in front of him that he yelped and fell over.

"DON'T DO THAT YOU PSYCHO!"

"Well I'm hungry! I got exited when you said the food was ready." Sirius replied sheepishly. How the man survived twelve years on little more then moldy bread and water in Azkaban and that time during Harry's fourth year on rats was anyone's guess in his own time the mans appetite was even more notorious then Ron's.

"How can you even move like that? You got to be in your forties at lest!"

"That is a very good question."

Harry stared at him in disbelief for a long moment until Ginny's voice snapped him out of it.

"Oy! Any time you idiots on come in hear and eat is fine with me! Just don't get upset if I've eaten it all by the time you do!"

They hurried in to the kitchen and loaded up their plates and boles with soup and left over sandwiches from last night dinner. Say what you want about it but the fact of the mater was that rostashire chicken and mashed-potato on homemade white bread is just delicious.

After their meal together Harry warned Sirius to behave him self around Ginny. And gave Ginny and kiss which some how turned in to a quickie. As her quickly got readdressed he told her he'd be home for dinner in a few hours and then left to go back to the school for more disasters in the classroom.

OoooOoooO

Once Harry got back to the castle the Marauders caught him in the hall for a split second

"Professor? Are you okay?" Remus asked

"Yes I'm fine why?"

"Well your clothes are all tousled and what not we thought something might have happened to you or some thing because you weren't at lunch."

"Oh, that well I live with my Wife in Hogsmeade and I like to eat at home as for my clothes well…that's none of your business wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more" Harry then walked off to his classroom and the Marauders headed off to their next class.

"I think Professor Patterson might be the best teacher ever" Sirius said. As they strolled down the hall

"And why is that?" James asked.

"Because he's the only teacher cool enough to have sex."

"Yeah but he's married so it doesn't really count as cool."

"Yeah but he's still the only teacher getting laid around here."

"Probably why he's more laid back then the rest of the staff" Remus Chimed in. there was a moment of silence but James just couldn't keep quite any more he had to say what was on his mind.

"Is it just me or does he seem really familiar?"

"What do mean Prongsie?"

"You know like we've met him before, I feel like I should know him or something."

"He's only a few years older then us maybe he went here and graduated when we were in our fourth or third year or something."

"Moony does have a point Pongsie."

"You know what? That's probably it…come on well be late for charms and the Lily will have me balls in a vice."


	9. Chapter 9 Super Sluething

**Ch. 9 Super Sleuthing**

James didn't know why he was so bothered by it. Professor Patterson seemed like a cool guy, hell even Sirius liked him and with his family back ground he should be able to tell the badies from the goodies…right? But he still couldn't shake the feeling that he should know the guy from some where, no he knew he knew the strange new professor from some where he just couldn't put his finger on it. It was a little unnerving to tell the truth. "Tomorrow" he thought to him self "tomorrow I'll go through some yearbooks in the library, see if I can find him. Moony is probably right maybe I just saw him in the halls a lot when I was an under classmen or something" he then fell asleep in his heads dormitory hoping that at some point that Lily would sneak out of her room and join him.

OoooOoooO

The next morning after having enjoyed a very colorful lecture from professor Patterson on why you shouldn't poke badgers with spoons and how he learned that the hard way the Marauders had a study hall so they all headed toward the library. James dove right in to a yearbook that would have been from their third year.

"Prongsie what are you doing?"

"I'm trying to find Professor Patterson in here"

"Oh…is it really bothering you that much?"

"I know I've seen the man some where before Paddy I just can place him"

"Didn't we settle this yesterday? Didn't we come to the conclusion that he used to be a student here?"

"No Moony just suggested that he used to be a student here we don't really know that. Plus I can't find the guy in this year book any where"

Sirius could tell James was a little frustrated "maybe we could ask McGonagall or something?"

"That's a good idea; we can ask her after transfiguration"

OoooOoooO

After class James and Sirius approached McGonagall. "Professor? Can we talk to you for a moment?"

"I already told you Mr. Black, Pickling Mr. Malfoy's face and enchanting him to sing the _'I'm a cumber song' _can not go unpunished. Your detention is with Hagrid tonight."

"It's not about that, James and I just wanted to ask you something…It was totally worth it by the way."

"Very well, what is the question?"

"Well we were wandering if Professor Patterson was ever a student here?"

Minerva McGonagall looked thoughtful for a moment "No I don't believe he was ever a student here, I would have remembered him, the man is a little odd after all."

"More then a little" James muttered under his breath

"What was that Mr. Potter?"

"Nothing, nothing just clearing my throat."

"Well any way when he first showed up for his job interview I ended up scolding the poor man because I thought he was you Mr. Potter trying to pull another one of your little stunts. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, well we know we've seen him some where before but we can't really figure out when."

"Well I hope you two figure it out at some point, now you better get moving or you'll be late for dinner"

OoooOoooO

"Where have you two been?" Lily asked as they entered the great hall for Dinner.

"Just taking to McGonagall, that's all" James replied

"Ah, trying to get Sirius out of detention are you?"

"Nothing of the sort my dear Lily flower! I rather enjoy my detentions with Hagrid any way" Sirius said.

"So what where you talking about?" Remus asked.

"We just asked her if Professor Patterson was ever a student here"

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Was he ever a student here?"

"No he never went here. McGonagall even told us that when he showed up for his job interview over the summer that she scolded him because she thought he was Prongsie here trying to pull some kind of stunt"

"Well that's weird maybe we should just ask him about him self and get to know the guy" Remus suggested

"What's the fun in that! I say we spy." Sirius said with a look an him face that suggested that he thought he was particularly clever.

"Second" James said.

Remus sighed "Lily?"

"Yes Remus?"

"Why do we like those two idiots again?"


	10. Chapter 10 Crazy Uncle Orion

**Ch.10 Crazy Uncle Orion**

The Marauders had everything planed. During study hall they where going to take the invisibility cloak and rummage through Professor Patterson's house or at lest look around or something.

"Okay. Every one got it all?" James asked having just gone over the plan one more time.

"Yes, yes Prongsie we got it all we all huddle under the cloak and look in on the windows if Mrs. Patterson is there. We just observe from the window if not we go through their stuff. Right we got it okay." Sirius said frustrated going over such a simple plan so many times just seemed like over kill to him.

"Paddy…settle" James said as he did the best impersonation of his own father that he could muster.

"Hey guys where's Peter?" Lily asked

"I don't know he's been acting weird lately and is always running off" Remus replied

"I think it's hormones or some thing. I think our dear little chubby boy has finally hit puberty" Sirius Joked it would have been funnier if it weren't so true.

They all got under the cloak and stared heading down the trail that lead to Hogsmeade.

"Is that the house?" James whispered as they approached a brick house covered in Ivy.

"Yeah I think that's it I don't remember that being there last year" Remus said

They gathered around a window that was on ground level. They saw what looked like a kitchen and a Red headed woman with her back to them fixing tea over the stove.

"Patterson's wife?" Sirius asked

"I guess so" James said

Then a man with shoulder length dark hair and a goatee walked in to the kitchen and sat down at the table and then the woman asked him something and then they started laughing after he said something funny. Then she proceeded to strain the tea with her back to the window. What ever their relationship they looked pretty chummy with one another.

Then Lily gasped

"What, what is it?" James whispered

"Merlin…Professor Patterson's wife is cheating on him" She said alarmed.

"I don't think we should jump to that conclusion maybe he's just visiting." Remus said

"Yeah visiting her vagina" Sirius remarked. Lily stomped on his foot. "Oi!"

"Shut it you"

"Hey Moony when's the first Hogsmeade weekend?"

"Seventh years get every weekend Prongs…remember?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot"

"Why is that important right now?"

"We'll wait till Monday and then we'll ask him who that guy is that way we can say we saw him coming out of his house or something and if he doesn't know than he'll figure it out on his own alright?" James said

"That's a good plan"

"Yeah"

"Sounds good to me"

"Till then, Lily-Flower? Would you like to come with me wile we're here Saturday"

"Not very Romanic if we're only here so our little lie will hold up"

"Come on I'll take you to that frilly man killing Tea Shop all you girls like"

"Alright I'll go. if anything I can at lest watch you squirm."

"Sweet"

"Hey, you guys think I should grow a goatee like that guy had in there?" Sirius mused.

"Hahaha. I can see it now it would be all patchy. Hahaha. Do it dare you!" Remus laughed

"You're not aloud any way, the student dress code doesn't allow male students to grow out any type of facial hair. It's considered untidy looking on boys so young." Lily said

"Hey I'm all man my dear Lily-flower"

"All right Sirius, then prove it." Sirius opened his mouth but was quickly cut off by Lily "and don't just list the names of girls you shagged that doesn't make you a man just a pervert" Sirius then took on a look of defeat then a look like he just had a stroke of genius.

"I'll tell you what Moony and Lily-flower. I'll prove to Lily that I am all man by growing a goatee after graduation and since you, Moony are so convinced that I can't you have to attest try to grow a mustache"

Remus rolled his eyes "fine whatever" he sighed

"How would that…" Lily stared but James cut her off by whispering in her ear "He's an idiot. Just humor him or he'll think of something to prove his _manliness_ that will get him expelled or something."

"We should get back we'll be late for charms." Lily said.

**The Next Monday**

The marauders approached their teacher after class "Um…prof…" that earned James a sharp look "I mean Harry can we ask you something?"

"Of course you can"

"We'll this weekend in Hogsmeade we saw this guy hanging around your house…and well we where wondering who he was? You know just because we're extra nosy like that"

Harry looked thoughtful for a moment he was really just stalling for time because in his head he was thinking _'Crap! Got to make something up fast! Oh carp oh carp oh crap! Got it!' _

"Older guy dark hair and a goatee?" he asked

"Yeah that's him"

"Oh that's my…a…uncle Orion! Yeah good old uncle Orion"

"Your uncle Orion?" Sirius asked skeptically

"Yes he's an indigent family member. My wife and I look after him"

"Indigent family member? What's that mean?"

"It's a polite way of saying that he's touched in the head and can't take care of him self"

"He didn't seem very crazy when we saw him"

"Well he's not a dangerous psychopath just a bit south of eccentric has a tendency to wonder off you know that old chestnut"

The Marauders absorbed the information it seemed plausible but there had to have been something that their professor was leaving out they knew it but how where they to call him on it when wasn't any of their business first place? They deiced to leave it for now and just go on their way. Plenty more spying was defiantly in order.


	11. Chapter 11 Screw Yousickal

**Ch. 11 Screw Yousickal **

"Oh come on Harry why wont you let me baby sit once the kid is born?!" Sirius whined "I used to baby sit you all the time! You know before all the badness anyway!"

"Yeah and have Molly at my throat! She didn't even trust you with me when I was fifteen! What makes you think I won't get an ear full when she finds out that I let you look after her only grand child!"

"Okay first of all you married into the Weasley family I seriously doubt the kid will be her only grand child for long and second of all I've already got a bunch of children's books to entertain the little tike with and for bed time stories"

"You can barely read! I've graded some of your papers Padfoot you are no scholar!"

"I've gotten better!"

"Alright fine lets here it. Read one right now."

"With pleasure" Sirius grabbed one of the books off his dresser and cracked it open.

00000000

_It started to rain at a quarter till two when the children both cried_

"_We've got nothing to do!"_

_They played their Kurplunkers and spun their Spindattys. Why they even found mothers Vibrater-atties._

_When suddenly there came a knock from the door. The boy nudged his sister_

"_Go get it you whore!" _

_She rose from her seat and walked toward the noise._

"_Who can it be?"_

_She hoped it was boys. But what entered the house through the fog oh so thick was a cat in a hat with an enormous dick. He sang a short song and played a few toots, when all of a sudden he noticed poor Boots._

_The boy searched around for a pen and a pad._

"_This guys a pro, much better then Dad"_

_But before the children could learn a new trade the cat pushed them out side._

"_I'm trying to get laid!"_

_So with no where to go but over the hill the children set off for the town of Whoreville. They passed a few vagrants, a hooker, a corpse, trying their best not to vomit of course. Though it got pretty hard as they passed by a can where a man tried to shit out some blue eggs and spam._

_Finally they arrived at mom's place of work as a jolly old man walked out with a smirk._

_It was Itchy McGrey who was there every day. And though his doctors sure pleaded could not stay away. He had picked up whore diseases and picked at whore scabs, why he even picked up a case of whore crabs. _

_When all of a sudden he started to run. Cause the children's drunk father showed up with a gun. He was mean, he was mad, he was seven feet tall! But the bulge in his pants was two sizes to small._

_Which may have explained why he went on a spree shooting the whores as they started to flee._

"_One Bitch, Two Bitch, Old Bitch, New Bitch!"_

_He said with a laugh as their bodies did twitch. He stared at his wife as he squeezed his glock._

"_I know it's your job but why did you hop on my pop!"_

"_We needed the cash"_

_She said through her tears._

"_Besides you haven't touched me in years. But I got just the thing."_

_She knew just what to do._

"_Let's go home right now and make three kids not two."_

_So the kids' father got his own way. And the bulge in his pants grew three sizes that day. And the low income family began life a new at lest until next month when the rent would come due._

00000000

Sirius closed the book looking rather pleased with him self that he had read the whole thing out loud with out messing up. But then he realized that Harry was glaring at him. "What?"

"I am seriously contemplating about having you neutered" Harry replied completely dead pan. "Its always whores with you"

"Oy! I can't help it if they know how to do a dirty job right!"

"Is that the kind of example you want to be setting for your God-grandchild!?"

Sirius dawned an expression like that of a small child pouting. "No"

"Listen I got to get to work. Do me a favor and try not to piss Ginny off to bad."

"I'll try" he said sulkily.

"Sometimes I really think you are insane" Harry said under his breath

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing. Well gotta go bye" Harry quickly went down stairs kissed Ginny goodbye and ran out the door.

00000000

"Class should have started five minutes ago"

"Relax Lily he's probably preoccupied with that tasty wife of his" James said.

"You think every red head is tasty" Remus retorted

"What can I say? I like the way their hair catches the light. It's hot."

"Doesn't your mum have red hair?" Sirius asked.

James closed his eyes and covered his ears "LALALALALA, I can't here you!"

Just then the doors opened and Professor Patterson came waltzing in

"Sorry I'm late class but I was held up at home by an episode of idiocy. Can anyone tell me what we went over last class?" Remus raised his hand. "Yes Mr. Lupin"

"You went on a 15 minute rant about how Dementors are quote "soul sucking bitch asses" end quote. And then you went over the introduction to the Patronus charm"

"Thank you Mr. Lupin. So to recap Dementors are soul sucking bitch asses and that is why we have the Patronus charm. The way to invoke a more powerful one would be to concentrate on your happiest memory. Which in a Dementors presents is not an easy task. The incantation is _Expecto Patronum. _And you can just say it like any old mundane spell you got to yell it with force and put all your energy behind it because lets face it if you're using this charm it most likely is a life or death situation. Not too many people know this but you can also communicate with Patroni…"

00000000

While at lunch the Marauders goofed off and chatted happily talking about Professor Paterson's unique teaching style. When Lily ran up with a news paper and through it down on the table.

"There was a Death Eater attack in Sanford right before classes this morning!" she said alarmed

"I hate to sound indifferent but so what? There's an attack every few weeks there is a war going on out there Lily flower" Sirius said.

"Don't you think it's a bit odd that Professor Patterson was late this morning?"

"The guys almost always late that's not new."

"Exactly he's almost always late but he never actually is until today when this just happened to have happened. Besides the guy is always coming and going. Not to mention we can't find any information on the guy. Or any record of him even existing."

James piped up "Lily calm down I think you may be reading too much in to the situation. Although I do have to admit some things do seem a bit odd."

"Well what if what I think really is going on, James, what then?"

"Listen we'll just keep the guy under our radar just to make sure he's playing for the right team."

"Playing for the right team? Prongs I think you mean Gaydar."

"This is serious Padfoot."

"No I'm Sirius."

"Shut Up!" James and Lily said in unison. "Like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted. We'll keep an eye on the guy but we won't jump to conclusions. Okay?"

Lily sighed "Alright James you win…for once. But don't get used to it."

A/N: Alight I am back though I wouldn't expect another chapter till at lest until the beginning of June. I know I'm a terrible person but I've got college finals to study for and take not to mention a ton of projects I have to turn in before that. I'm sure most of you can relate to life getting a little hectic so try to be patient okay.


	12. Chapter 12 Suspicions HO!

Chapter 2: All Right Fine I'll do it

**Ch.12 Suspicions HO!**

"You really think this guy might be on the dark side Prongs?" Sirius asked.

"There's a good chance isn't there? I mean there is always something up with the DADA teacher's isn't there? I mean the last one turned out to be a daylight Vampire! Remember, Hagrid would always find dead creatures in the forbidden forest…drained of blood. He resigned right before summer hols"

"Just because he was afflicted with a medical condition does not me Prof. Talbot was evil!" Remus piped up in an overly sensitive huff.

"I didn't mean it like that Mooney_, _I was just making a point that there is always something up with the DADA teachers."

"So what kind of suspicious stuff has this guy done to make us so uneasy Prongsie?"

"Nothing really but the thing is the guy is a perfect stranger, I mean we don't know anything about him aside from what he himself has told us. But I just can't shake the feeling that I really should know him from some where. Plus there is defiantly something about this guy that he's not telling us, and I want to know what it is."

"You know James I get that same air of familiarity from him to it's almost over powering. Like a relative you haven't seen since you where little and for the life of you, you can remember their name or something." Lily said.

"Yeah that's what I'm talking about!"

"He also looks eerily like you Prongsie, so much so it's a little creepy" Sirius chimed in.

"I think there might be something you with that Uncle of his to…Orion was it? Was it just me or did Prof. Patterson look a little panicked for a split second when we asked about him." Remus said.

"Do you think it was really what I suspected about his wife cheating on him while he was at work? And he was just covering up to save himself the humiliation of his wife probably leaving him for an older man?" Lily asked.

"No I've seen those two in Hogsmeade running some errands after we had asked about him and they seemed pretty buddy buddy if you ask me. If Harry suspected something like that then he would have done something about it buy now wouldn't he? " Sirius said.

"There is that Lily, you don't go touching a friends or relieves lady and expect them not do anything about it. Besides we didn't really see any thing that incriminating just them laughing while she cooked something." James said.

"My brain hurts from all this thinking! Plus I'm hungry!" Sirius interrupted

"You're always hungry" Lily said rolling her eyes.

"Quiet you…now I don't wanna be late for lunch come on!"

0000000

"I think your counter part, mum, dad, and Moony Are suspicious of me"

"Why is that? Prongslet?"

"They're asking a lot of questions about me"

"Of course we are…we've always done that. Where do you think you get it?"

Harry narrowed his eyes at his slightly aging godfather and sighed. He hated it when he got dismissive like this it made him careless.

"They were asking about you, you know"

"Me?"

"Yeah they said they saw you during a Hogsmeade trip, or something like that…They where probably spying, but any way they asked about you."

"Yeah if I know my self and your dad at all I say we probably were spying. What did you tell them?"

"I told them Ginny and I look after you because you're our Uncle whose touched in the head…Your Name is Orion buy the way." 

"Yeah because that name isn't obvious at all…" Sirius said sarcastically.

"Oi, I think it's a pretty good Lie considering that I had to think it up on the spot!"

"Excuses, excuses Prongslet." Sirius said shaking his head.

"Oh you wanna go over excuses hmm? Let's review some of the reasons you haven't done your homework in the past week. Shall we?"

"Oi! I did that essay on dark objects didn't I?" Sirius said triumphantly.

"You rambled for six paragraphs about _the Brudewitch_. A sandwich so evil it's quote "only for those with a hunger for insanity. Is made of bread harvested from Satan's wheat filed and baked buy a one eyed mad man, filled with six hundred and sixty-six slabs of cold cuts from an animal with maggots for blood, cheese made from the rancid teat of a fanged cow, sun dried tomatoes, and mustard, Dijon mustard. But no bacon because there is no swine evil enough to sacrifice upon the black alter from with it was constructed."

"I'm telling you the Brudewitch is real!"

"That's very creative Sirius. I have half a mind to give you an O on it just because you obviously put a lot of thought in to it to come up with something like this."

"Why won't anybody Believe me? Not even your dad or Moony Believed me! Probably the only person who did believe me was _Reggie_ and I'll be the first to admit my little Brother was just plain gullible. He'd believe anything. But to back to the point the Brudewitch is real!"

"Sure it is" Harry said wanting to end the conversation. "I was thinking…"

"There's a shock"

"Shut it Padfoot…like I was saying I was thinking that maybe we should start some meddling"

"What do you mean?" Sirius and Ginny Both said as she had just entered the room a moment ago

"Well Sirius you remember when you first saw me in the pub. That's what you though I was doing. You know rearranging events in our favor rather than just taking the DADA post."

"Ohhhh…yeah I totally forgot until about it when Ginny started throwing plates at my head."

"You deserved it"

"Well what if we did do that?"

"How would we go about it though? Just go up to your mum and dad seventeen year old selves and go "Hi I'm really your son from the future and this is my beautiful goddess of a wife who is caring my child i.e. your grand-child…oh by the way this is Sirius when he's old" Ginny said sarcastically

"OI! I'm not old! Now Dumbledore…he's old. And I'm no where near his age…I'm just as dashingly handsome just ask those hot older divorced women, what are they called? Cougars! That's right! Cougars love me and I love them right back. They know what you want and they'll do it. Yeah they'll do what you want. You won't fell clean for a month but it'll be so worth it."

Harry and Ginny just stared at him "You really don't have any inner monologue do you? You just vocalize everything you think."


	13. Ch 13 I Ain’t Planin’ on Teachin’ Le

**Ch. 13 I Ain't Planin' on Teachin' Lesson You Shut Up!**

It was a miserable English morning the next day cloudy, rainy, and all around gloomy. The marauders walked in to the DADA class room wondering what kind of antics their teacher would pull today. They noticed that he was already seated at his desk in the front of the classroom looking over and righting notes on what appeared to be a lesson plan or something related. He seemed much more subdued than usual. They were going to ask if something was wrong but the rest of the class had piled in behind them so the just went to their seats instead. They all waited a few minutes in silence for class to begin…Harry kept at whatever he was doing…And they waited a few more minutes, until finally…

"…Um…Pro…Harry?" James said quietly, Harry didn't look up. "Harry" he said louder.

"Gnah!" Harry yelped and look up startled. Then he looked at his watch "Wait, what time is it?"

"Class should have started five minutes ago"

Harry shook himself out of it "Yes, yes, Class…right, Ok…well today we will be going over a very important lesson so pay attention because it absolutely will be on the midterm." He then went to the board and wrote the name Tom Marvolo Riddle on the board. "Now can anyone tell me anything about Mr. Riddle here?"

Sirius slowly raised his hand

"Yes Mr. Black?"

"Wasn't he the head boy here in the forties? I think there's an award with his name on it in the trophy room, special service to the school I think. Flitch made me spend detention in there more than a few times shining the trophies" he explained

"Not quite the answer I was looking for but correct none the less…five points to Gryffindor for the effort Mr. Black. Anyone else have any interesting tid-bits on ol' Tommy boy here?"

No one else raised their hand.

"That's alright that you don't know, class, I didn't expect you to. The truth is Mr. Riddle is a very mysterious character. Let me go over some facts on the board…I expect you all to tack notes on this, which means parchment and quills out and wands away…for the time being that is." He said dredging the fact that he had sounded like Delores Umbridge for a seconded there. He repeated the note out loud as he wrote them on the board.

**Tom Marvolo Riddle**

**Born: December 31, 1928**

**Mother: Merope Gaunt **

_**Witch, descendent of Salazar Slytherin, Died in child birth**_

**Father: Tom Riddle Sr. **

_**Muggle, left his pregnant wife after she came clean and told him she was a witch and had been controlling him with love positions never knew is son.**_

**Wand:**** yew wood, 13 ½" long, phoenix feather**

**Special powers: Parseltongue, Legilimency, Occlumency**

**Early years: Raised in a muggle orphanage in London, The matron of the facility noticed early on that "Nasty things would often happen around him"**

**Hogwarts: (1938) Started first year in under Head Master Dippet sorted in to Slytherin, became obsessed with his heritage after finding out who is mother was.**

**Awards: ****Prefect (1942); Medal for Magical Merit; gold shield award for "Special Services to Hogwarts" kept in the trophy room; Head Boy (1944).**

**Important events while at Hogwarts: (1943) Rumors that the "Chamber of Secrets" has been opened start circulating due to several students being injured and one (Moaning Myrtle) is killed by a mysterious creature. Later that year Tom stages the capture of another student who had a liking for dangerous magical creatures, making it seem they were responsible for the attacks. The other students wand is snapped and he is expelled. Tom receives a trophy for Special Services to the school. (no one suspects it's a farce)**

(1944) Riddle family (baring Tom of course) are found murdered in their home in the town of littleHangleton. Tom's Uncle Morin Gaunt (whom Tom had met and spoken with but had not reviled himself to be his nephew while visiting the town just a day before.) confesses to the murders. Morfin is sentenced to life in Azkaban. Tom advertently takes over as head of the family.

**After Hogwarts ****: After graduating in 1945, he spends some time in Albania for reasons unknown. Upon his return he applied for DADA teaching post but was turned down by head master Dippet because he was too young.**

**Got a job at Borgin and Brukes on Knockturn Alley. His job was to ferret out items of value and obtain them at the lowest price possible. **

**After working at the shop for a couple years he suddenly leaves after a well known client is found dead in her home (official story: her senile house elf got confused and accidentally poised her tea) Tom meanwhile disappears for ten years **

**When he reemerges he once again applies for the DADA teaching post and is turned down the current head master, Dumbledore who was suspicious of Tom's intentions. (from then on the position was considered cursed)**

"Sir? Why exactly do we need to know this? He seems like a nasty bloke and all but he's not in the book" A Slytherin girl asked.

Harry turned around and looked at the class "because something very interesting happens when you rearrange the letters in Mr. Riddles name" he turned back to the broad and flicked his wand to get the letters in the name to rearrange. Then there was a gasp from the class, the board read

**I am Lord Voldemort **

"There is a war going on out there class, and it is important to know your enemy in order to protect yourself."

Sirius looked ill "I can't believe I shined a trophy belonging to that dark tosser, I feel so…so…dirty."

"I'd like to take this opportunity to say that should any of you feel the need to vomit to please go to the closest lavatory now to do so." Only a couple students left the room.

Harry let the rest of the class digest the information they had just received. Harry noticed that the students in the class he knew to be Jr. death eaters wore a mask of neutrality not being able to decide whether they should just be shocked like the rest of the class or be outraged that their teacher was saying such things about their master. The students who had left to vomit sluggishly returned to their sets only to find that cups of mint tea had appeared once they sat down.

"I thought you two would like something to settle your stomachs. Now back to the leason…"

LATER

"I can't believe Voldemort is a half blood, what a hypocrite!" Lily almost shouted while on their way back to the common room.

"I still can't believe we shined that snake breath's trophy…I'm so unclean…so unclean…" Sirius still had yet to snap out of it.

James always said that Sirius' parents had screwed him up more than anything else ever could. And this was proof of it. He'd only seen his friend like this a few times and he was the only one who knew how to snap him out of it. "Hey Padfoot look at it this way, your parents worship a complete lie!"

"Your right. They do don't they?.. You think Harry is going to give the same lesson to the sixth years? I want Reggie to hear it"

"I don't know mate. I think it maybe to important for him not to teach the rest of the year's"

"true…hey how else is hungry? I could really go for a sandwich."

"There's the Padfoot we know and love!"

AFTER SCHOOL BACK AT HARRYS HOUSE

"So we've got meddling point no.1 down we can cross that off the list" Harry announced when he flopped down on the his couch.

Sirius, who was dosing on in the arm chair perked up "Really? Great! How did my counterpart take that kind of news any way?"

"You muttered something about feeling dirty when you figured out who's trophy you had been shining during all those detentions and then you kind of went catatonic for a little while"

"I thought as much"

"Your parents really messed you up didn't they?"

"O…that is an understatement. Anyway you taught that same lesson to the sixth years to right? I want my brother Regulus to hear…" He stopped midsentence.

"What? What wrong?"

"Nothing…I just got the overwhelming feeling of Déjà vu. That's all"

"Yeah well anyway don't worry about that he seemed just as overwhelmed by the new information as you were"

Ginny grabbed the pad of note parchment out of her husband's hand "Meddling point No.1 reveal to student body some of which are positional death eaters Voldemort's true Identity and blood status, Check" she read out loud as she crossed it out. "And you told them everything about Tom Riddle?"

"Everything but the Horcruxes, if word got back to him that some two bit school teacher knew about that things would not only get very nasty very quickly but it would raise to many questions about me and the rest of us"

"You added some more points to this didn't you?"

"I had some time before my first class…and during it"

"So…what's next? Keeping Snivilus from going over to the dark side?"

"Be nice…and that's exactly right. Which also means that I'm going to have to somehow get the marauders to leave him alone for the rest of the year, it was mostly is thirst for knowledge and his interest in the dark arts but a good one third of it was you guys making him feel weak. It was also the power He was attracted to."

"Guilt trip much?" Sirius asked his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Anyway Ithink it would be a good way for him and my mum on good terms again and then maybe the rest of you lot can begin to tolerate him, though I won't hold my breath on that last one. But I just need some dirt on them so I can black mail them into it."

"Harry, come on. We have tons of black mail material on them"

"I'm not just talking about stuff like pranks and the marauders map, and there is no way in hell I'm black mailing them on being animalgi or about Moony's fury little problem it just feels like sacrilege you know?"

"I wasn't thinking about those things. I was thinking about something we used to do every month or so. Something so bad that we never even told your mum about it. Something that would have gotten us expelled for sure. But it's a good thing that the professor who caught us was cool about it…hint…hint" Sirius Waggled his dark eyebrows a bit.

"Harry leaned in "okay I'm listening"


	14. Chapter 14 EXPLICT CONTENT!

_I own none of these characters or have any rights to J.K. Rowling's work or Anne Rice's work. I do however own copies of their work and enjoy said copies very much._

**Ch. 14 Pineapple Express**

"No!" Ginny Gasped

"I swear on honor as a marauder"

"Moony too?" Harry asked he just couldn't believe what he was hearing

"Especially Moony. How do you think _Mr. School Prefect McFuture-Professor_ gained our respect in the first place? He tries to hide it but his wild streak reviled only by your fathers and mine."

"You know that does kind of explain a lot. Like I always thought him and Tonks where a bit mismatched as a couple but I never said anything because they seemed happy together but things make a lot more since now I know this about him…I can understand why he never told me either. Oh this is going to be fun."

"Yes Moony was a pretty big trouble maker in his day"

"I guess" Ginny said exasperated. "Well I've had enough shock a pregnant woman can handle for right now. I think I'll go start dinner if you don't mind"

"No I certainly don't" Sirius said trying to pour on the charm

"Well of course you don't, anything to do with food and you're all over it" Ginny snapped back

"Hey I starved in Azkaban for twelve years!"

"We know we know but the fact of the matter is you were like this when you were a kid too. Don't try to deny it. I've seen the way you eat at lunch in the great hall."

"You can't fault me for that either! I was a growing boy back then…er now…plus all that business I just told you about"

"Ok I'll give that one, so when can I catch you guys doing said badness?"

"The third Friday of every month" Sirius said thoughtfully

"Ok to is the third week of September now so I just have to be doing my petrol duties and stumble upon them right?" Harry asked

"Exactly"

"Great I'll have to volunteer at the teachers meeting tomorrow morning. Albus will be happy nobody likes volunteering for Friday night petrol. I hate having to plan all this stuff out for something so simple."

"I know but the Author needs a lot of filler or people will flame her for making the chapter too short." Sirius said

"Is that what this is?" Harry asked

"You mean the stuff we're saying right now at this very moment?"

"Yes that's what I mean."

"Yes"

"Yeah on that note do you think the title of this chapter is a bit obvious?" Harry asked

"I don't really know. It really depend if you have seen that movie. I know the author had some big doubts about it." Sirius answered

"Not very professional is it? I mean you should have everything planed out and worded exactly as you want it in various drafts before you right it all down." Harry said sounding eerily like his future sister in law Hermione.

"Professional? We're talking about a bored dyslexic college student who shows up to class hangover, and then instead of paying attention to the subject matter rights this drivel on her lap top pretending to take notes. She's not Anne bleeding Rice you know.

"Oh I love Anne Rice"

"Yeah she's a doll although I'm not really in to her newer works"

"Yeah I'm particularly fond of _Blackwood Farm_ myself. One of her more eccentric works if you ask me." Harry said

"Yeah but some parts in it don't make much sense unless you read what? The first eight books in the vampire chronicles?" Sirius asked

"Not necessarily you might be able to skip over _Interview with the Vampire, Queen of the Damned, The Vampire Armand_, and _Blood and Gold_ and just read _The Vampire Lestat_, , _Memnoch the Devil_, _Tale of the body thief_ and _Merrick_ for _Blackwood Farm_ to make sense but those all are really good books any way.

"My Favorite is the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy"

Harry sighed "That would be your favorite wouldn't it? Always whores with you!..Wait isn't there a lot of guy on guy in those books too?"

"I skip over those parts. Maybe we should get back to the story"

"Yeah maybe we should. This could quickly become a discussion on S&M porn otherwise."

FRIDAY NIGHT

Harry was patrolling a hallway when the door to the room of requirement appeared for him.

"Good room" he cooed patting the handle of the door as if it were a dog.

He opened the door and an acrid smelling mist wafted around him. 'Just as Sirius said' he thought to himself. He slowly crept into the room making sure the marauders didn't hear him. When he looked around he noticed a small muggle movie screen was up and was playing an episode of _Monty Pythons Flying Circus. _Right now the _Ministry of Silly Walks_ Sketch was playing being accompanied by a lot of snickering. He took this opportunity to announce his arrival.

"Hm Hmm" he cleared his throat

The three Marauders occupying the room jumped and looked behind them the blood shot eyes and mouths wide open.

"Oh fuck me where so dead" Sirius whimpered

Harry just took the joint out of his hand "Well what do we have here?"

"Sir we…we can explain…" James began

"No seriously what do we have here? White widow? Frankenstein? Hydroponic?" Harry asked and then to their amazement took a drag off the joint!

He then turned to Remus "Damn boy! Where'd you get this the Netherlands? Buds must have left its parents on Krypton…shit" he then to another hit. "I'll tell you what I'll let you off the hook if you do me a favor"

"What favor is that?" James asked

"I'll think of something. Let's not worry about it till Monday. Shall we? In the mean time how bout we get some snacks?"

"That sounds awesome" Sirius said in his stoned stupor. Very relived he wasn't getting expelled tonight.

"Hey house elf!" Harry called. One of them immediately popped in

"What can Yippy dos for sirs?" it asked

"Some snacks would be great Yippy" Harry said rolling another joint. The elf popped back out and returned with a tray full of small sandwiches and sweets.

"Will this be doing sirs?"

"Yes Yippy thank you very mummen…" Harry mumbled stuffing a whole finger sandwich in his mouth then the elf left.

"Hey…hey guys" Sirius was now snickering to himself about something "I…I just realized something, Than-Q!" it was followed by raucous laughter by the rest of the party.

"Hey Padfoot I just realized something too"

"What is it Prongsie?"

"If there were two of you, you'd be Sirii!"

For some reason (probably the pot) this comment made Harry spray the pumpkin juice he'd been sipping in laughter

James, Sirius, and Remus started to giggle hysterically. "And…and moony would be Remi!" Sirius continued between fits of laughter.

"Hay guys you know what's really funny?" Harry asked

"What?" James said finally calming down

Harry dawned a straight face and looked at them "…Chicken Monkey" this sent the occupants in the room into peals of laughter and all of them ended up rolling on the floor holding their sides.

"That was very yes" Sirius said gasping for breath.

James looked at him "did you just say that was very _yes?"_

Sirius looked thoughtful "yeah I did" he admitted. And then they all cracked up again.


	15. Chapter 15 The worst thing

**Ch.15 The Most Horrible Thing He Could Think Of**

A few hours after Harry sobered up a bit Harry took his leave and headed back home. The walk took excessively longer than usual because he kept getting distracted by shinny things and things that looked like they would taste good (a lot of them didn't, he found out) Once he did get home around two in the mourning Ginny and Sirius where waiting up for him.

"So how did it go?" Sirius was the first to ask

Harry gave him a blank stare and then a lopsided grin creeped on to his face "I smoked pot with my dad…it was awesome!..do we have any chips?" he made a b-line for the kitchen.

"Man Moony must have gotten a hold of the good stuff this time." Sirius said to himself.

0000000000000

The Marauders had sobered up the next morning and that's when they came to realize their current situation

"What do you think Prof. Patterson is going to make us do or do to us?" Remus asked nervously

"I don't know…but…but it can't be all that bad I mean we can get him in trouble too right?" Sirius said

"Not without incriminating our selves Padfoot, he's really got our balls in a vice. I say we wait and see what he's going to do or have us do and then we worry about whether or not we get our selves expelled…I mean it could be nothing right? Maybe he'll just want us to babysit that barmy uncle of his or something."

"That is a good point Prongs"

"See Moony agrees, and he's always right" Remus just rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's go sneak back into the tower and get this smell off of us before Lily gets up I've got a date with her today and I don't want to mess it up by smelling like pot around her."

**MONDAY**

"…And that class is why good Flying skills aren't just for quidditch players" Harry finished. The class just looked at him blankly.

"What?"

"Sir…you just strolled in here and said "And that class is why Flying skills aren't just for quidditch players" you didn't actually teach anything" A Gryffindor girl said.

Harry stared "Really?" the whole class nodded. "I could have sworn I gave you the whole lecture…your sure I didn't?" the Class nodded again.

"Class started only a minute ago. Look at the clock." Lily offered.

Harry turned his attention to the clock on the wall it was only 8:31. He screwed his eyes shut and smacked the side of his head "Sorry about that. I must have been practicing it in my head on the way here and confused myself" he smiled. The class looked uneasy but took the explanation anyhow. "Anyway I should just start over, yes?" they still looked uneasy but nodded again for him to go on. "First an exercise! Everyone go back to your dorms and drop off your things and change into some clothes you don't mind getting dirty. And meet me out on the quidditch pitch in five minutes. Those of you who have your own brooms bring them with you."

00000000000

Lily and James headed off to their dorm with the rest of their class mates

"You be excited, you live and breathe quidditch and flying." Lily said. James just kept quiet not really listening.

"Is something wrong?"

"Wh…What?" James stammered snapping out of it

"We get to have a flying lesson for DADA class today and you seem really bummed about it. Who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend!?"

"Oh…Oh it's nothing Lil's I was just distracted that's all"

"Ok…"

"Lily can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"Does Prof. Patterson seem strange…er than usual today?"

"I have to admit about five minutes ago was pretty weird even for him"

0000000000

"Okay, class those of you who do not have brooms go pick on out from the quidditch shed over there" Harry said as he pointed toward the far end of the pitch "lets wait a few minutes for any stragglers and then we'll get started"

"Harry what are we doing out here anyway?" Remus asked

"Sometimes Dark wizards like to take advantage of you while you're in flight, something as simple as a stunning charm can be quite deadly if you're up high enough. Which is why we're going to go over the importance of good flying skills today"

"Sweet!" James and Sirius said in unison.

The rest of the class slowly made their way back to the middle of the pitch as Harry began giving the rest of the class the same lecture.

"…So I'm going to charm the ground here and make it all nice and soft so no one gets hurt. And I'm going to fire mild stunning charms up in the air randomly and you guys will fly around and try to dodge them. The charm will only last a few seconds if you're hit and try not to go up more than 30 feet or so. Don't need any one ending up in the hospital win do we?"

The class got on their brooms and started to fly around aimlessly. Harry knocked a Slytherin boy off his broom with deadly accuracy with in the first five seconds. The boy fell to the ground but quickly got back up and back on his broom. Then Harry got a couple of Gryffindor girls, and another Slytherin boy who faltered but didn't fall. He clipped the tail of Remus' broom and made it spin a few times but he managed to hold on. He even got Sirius and lily to fall to the ground.

"Good, keep your center of balance but try harder to dodge the spells. If I were a death eater I'd be hurling something much worse at you. You're best off dodging and not getting hit at all." Harry called out so everyone could hear him. "Okay everyone come back down and come over here"

The class did as they were told. "Alright we're are going to do something a little different I'm going to do the exact same thing but instead of jest looking out for the charms I want you to fly in a serpentine pattern and zigzag instead of flying in a straight line like you just where. This will make it much harder for me to aim at you"

Everybody mounted their brooms again, kicked off the ground and did as instructed. Harry still got quite a few of them to fall he even made James and Sirius the Star Quidditch players of Hogwarts falter a few times even with their expert maneuvering skills. After about ten minutes of this Harry called the class back down.

"Alright class, like I said before. And that's why good flying skills aren't just for Quidditch players. Now let's get back to the castle so you lot can put away your brooms and change back into your uniforms. Afterword I'd like us all to meet back in my class room for the remainder of the lecture."

00000000000

"Hay Prongs where do you think Patterson learn to aim like that? The guy even managed to hit us a few times" Sirius whispered to James on their way back to the dorm.

"I don't know Padfoot he was pretty good. He might be able to give Flitwick a run for his gallons on the dulling floor though. What do you think?"

"I don't know either. I still think the guy is a little suspicious. I mean how did he know all that stuff about You Know Who? I don't think the ministry even knows that mush about You Know Who." Sirius pondered

"You remember what my dad said about the ministry right Padfoot?"

"That their corrupt? And the only people in the ministry you can really trust is the Auror department and the misuse of muggle artifact department. And to even take them with a grain of salt?"

"Right. But this guy still could be bad news if we don't watch ourselves, we still don't know what favor he's going to ask us to do later. And who ever said he wasn't playing "I'll put your mind at ease about me by telling you something about the Dark Lord that he doesn't want anyone to know even though I'm really a deatheater game?" hmmm?"

"Do you really think that's what he was trying to do?"

"I wouldn't put it past a DADA teacher Padfoot."

That's when Remus decided to make his presents known "are you sure he's not just some Auror who went goofy after getting captured and tortured or something so they put him in a teaching position? That seems way more plausible to me. Although I do agree the DADA teacher are usually up to something. Man why doesn't Dumbledore do a background check or something on new teachers?"

"My dad says the ministry usually dumps some idiot on Dumbledore to fill the position at the end of summer brake because no one else will take it. Dumbledore really doesn't have much say in the matter." James cut in.

"I guess that kind of makes sense"

000000000

Once the class got settled back in to their seats Harry continued to lecture portion of the class and finished within in 10 minutes because the Slytherins where to tiered to interrupt him with snotty comments.

"Alright no homework besides reading chapter five in your book tonight. Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, and Mr. Lupin see me after class I have something for the three of you to do for me the rest of class is dismissed…oh and Mr. Snape I would like to speak with you later come by my office after lunch alright."

The Marauders approached Harry's desk as the rest of the class filed out.

"So what are you going to make us do?" James asked.

Harry looked at them for a long time "…I want you and your little friend Peter (he said Peter's name with clear distaste) to lay off Mr. Snape"

"WHAT?" Sirius shouted

"Oh come off of it. It's not like I asked you to be best mates with the guy. Just don't torture him is all I'm asking, It's not like you have much of a choice any way." The Marauders started to sulk "I didn't say you had to stop pranking others or your special Friday night meetings in the ROR did I? I think this is a pretty good deal"

"Alright, we'll lay off Snape" Remus sighed because James and Sirius were still sulking

"Even if he talks to Lily? Mr. Potter?" Harry prompted looking James' direction.

"Even if he talks to Lily" James reluctantly agreed

"Good now off to your next period"


End file.
